Remembering Skyler 12-18-08

This is the last picture taken of us. 5-28-06
Kamryn and Skyler's son Braxton. They are best best friends

Here I go...take a deep breath. So today would have been my brother's 27th birthday. I have never talked about this publicly like this, I have talked to family and friends but is just isn't the easiest thing to write about and express how I feel. This year has been special in the fact that I put together a memory book for my parents that I am giving them tonight. I got a hold of ALOT of his friends (45 to be exact) and they emailed me funny stories and memories about my brother. I always knew he was a very special person but I had no idea the impact he had on almost everyone he came in contact with. I felt I owe this to Skyler and his son Braxton. My brother had everything going for him. Growing up he was very popular, extremely good looking, straight A student, football player, eagle scout, honor society, ect. He got caught up in drugs and passed away June 11, 2006. He died three weeks after Kamryn was born. The crazy thing is Kamryn was three weeks early. She was supposed to be born the day he actually passed away. I don't think there are coincidences, I know now why she was born early. Skyler got to hold her once. It was a week before he got out of rehab. He got to leave on good behavior for a few hours. He came up to my parent's house and we had a family get together. Braxton his 5 month old son was also there. We laughed and got a few pictures. Little did we know this would be the last picture we took of him. A week later he was gone. It was a Sunday morning, 8:30 to be exact. I was sleeping and Travis was up with Kamryn. Travis came in to the room and handed me the phone, he said "It's your dad". Normally my dad would talk to Travis but not today. He asked to specifically talk to me. I got a sick feeling to my stomach. I said "Hi Dad", he didn't say anything, I could hear him clearing his throat. I just knew but I continued "Dad, what is it" and he just said it "Skyler died". I think the world stopped at that moment and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn't register the words. I asked him over and over "No he's not, what do you mean, what happened, I don't understand" then I just dropped the phone. I told Travis and he kept saying "No, he is just at the hospital right? He is not really gone" I remember rolling up in a ball in my closet and just screaming. Travis was frantically gathering up Kamryn's things and took her to his parents. They were at church but one of his sister's was home. I remember we went right up to my parents. I was going up to see my parent's and have that conversation that you never dream of having. It was horrible. We all just cried and sat silent. What do you say. Skyler was gone. The next day was Monday and we had funeral arrangements to make. We all went together to pick out the coffin, write the obituary, decide who would talk, what music we would have. At that moment I remembered a song that someone in my single's ward had sung. It was a song by Jenny Phillips called "Every breath". It is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard and I remember when she sung it in church. I just cried, I was so touched, little did I know it would be sung at my brothers funeral. Here are the lyrics:

Every Breath

His hands are catching your tears
And even without any words He hears
You feel so far, but He's right where you are and He knows
Every Breath, every pain
He knows your heart and He knows your name
The giver of life, the light in your soul
Oh come home, come rest, let Him bless
Your every breath
Silence your voice and be still
And even without any words you will feel
You think you're far, but He lives in your heart and He knows
Every breath, every pain
He knows your heart and He knows your name
The giver of life, the light in your soul
Oh come home, come rest, let him bless
Your every breath
There's nowhere you can go
That He hasn't been below
Every breath, every pain
He knows your heart and He knows your name
The giver of life, the light in your soul
Oh come home, come rest, let Him bless
Your every breath

So, my mom knew the perfect girl in her ward to sing it and it was perfect. I do believe that Christ knows our hearts, he knows our pain, he knows everything we struggle with. He knew everything Skyler struggled with and now he is home. After that the following months were a blur. The only thing that kept me going was Kamryn. I had a newborn to take care of. I couldn't feel sorry for myself and check out, I had to take care of her so I did. I don't remember enjoying her much, holding her but I did what I had to do and I got through it. I remember being really angry alot. I remember being mad at Skyler. How could he put us through this? Why couldn't he get better? Why couldn't having a child make him change?! I obviously didn't understand addiction. I remember people telling me "Jamie, it's ok, families are forever" and "don't be sad, you will see him again someday" and I remember my blood just boiling and wanting to scream "It's not that easy!!" They mean well and everything they say IS true but It still hurts and it doesn't bring him back and it doesn't change anything in my small world. I started questioning my testimony. Do I really have that much faith? How could Heavenly Father let this happen to me and my family. Why don't I feel comforted knowing that he is home and that he is happy?! I remember watching the news shortly after this and hearing the bishop that had just lost his wife and children in a car accident due to a drunk driver and here he was on TV forgiving the man that took his family and being so positive and again talking about how families are forever and he will see them again. I called my parents in the middle of the night bawling and so ticked because this bishop has to be in denial!! How can he feel that way? He just lost his whole family?!
Last summer in 2007 we had the opportunity to do my brother's temple work. I remember sitting in the chapel before and feeling very peaceful. We were also doing my grandpa's temple work at the same time. So my dad did SKy's and Travis did my grandpa's. After the session when we were all in the celestial room I have never felt Skyler so strongly since he had passed then I did in that moment. He was there, he was happy, I could feel it. We were all together as a family again. I understand now believing in something that we can't see. Having faith. It is real and it is true. At that moment I got it. I no longer felt angry. I had to let it go. Families are FOREVER and I will see him again and I can't wait until that day comes that I can hug him again and tell him how much I love him. The temple truly is our heaven on earth. That is the closest I will get to him on this earth so that also gives me motivation to go more and to do our lord's work. How happy all of those other spirits will be when I can also meet them and they will thank us.
Many of you ask about my parents. They are doing really good. They are service missionaries for the church. They do the addiction recovery 12 step program. They love it and those kids and people love them. They truly are making a difference in people's lives. They are able to help so many people and they are amazing.

So today I celebrate Skyler's life. He was a friend to everyone. He loved everyone. He was always there for me. He was not only my brother but my best friend. He was my only sibling. We never fought, we just had eachother and we cherised that. Life is so short. We never know when we will lose our friends or kids or siblings, or parents. Enjoy every moment. Tell them you love them. Love them unconditionally. I would do anything to tell my brother how much I really loved him and I would give anything to hug him again. Skyler, I love you. Thanks for being my guardian angel. Till we meet again....